Navarre Beach

Snapshots from our week away.

Paradise Lost...and Found

Dearest Hope,

I spent this last week at Navarre Beach with my family. I had 5 solid days packed with nothing but watching my kids play in the sand and jump in the waves of the ocean. It was a getaway of a lifetime. I found out pretty quickly, that no matter how beautiful the scenery, or how warm the sun, there is no getting away from thinking of Lori. I found my thoughts constantly shifting to her. Maybe they were pangs of guilt that came from my declaration that I needed a vacation to get a way from MY stress. My stress consists of commuting to the city a few times a week, being hostage to my computer, being innovative about how I could sneak a peek at my Blackberry in mid conversation with my husband and trying to maintain as much of my motherly role as possible so that my children don’t grow up thinking their nanny was my replacement. These are real stresses I know, but it pales in comparison to Lori’s stress…cancer, chemo, the radiation that is ahead, the 3 children who beg for her attention, her constant fight to stay strong around the people she loves.

What was Lori’s getaway? Where was her vacation from her daily struggle? I realized that the life that grows inside of her, her baby girl…is her ultimate escape from her everyday worries. The sound in her voice when she describes how much the baby is kicking…Or the way she carefully plots out sleeping arrangements in their home when they become a family of 4…or how she invites people to come and help her prepare for the baby by organizing newborn clothing and preparing the swing and bassinet.

For a few minutes each day, whenever she thinks of her daughter to be, or is reminded by a swift kick in the ribs from the princess herself, Lori gets a short vacation from her cancer and treatment. She can fantasize about meeting her daughter… who she will look like…her personality…her smile. Lori can wonder if her newborn will come out with more hair than her or if they will look like twins, beautifully bald.
When I tell people about Lori’s diagnosis they are shocked and worried. When I mention that she is pregnant, they are floored and most people have no words to say. It does seem pretty awful I know. But this pregnancy is what prompted her to see a doctor as quickly as she did. And for that I am so grateful. This baby saved her life and continues to do so. It is her getaway indeed…her baby girl…an ocean of possibilities for the future.

The Role of Florence Nightingale will be played by....

Dearest Hope,

I spent a few days last week with Lori while she was in the hospital. I heard from my parents who were with her when she was admitted that she was in excruciating pain and it was unbearable to watch. The doctors declared that she had a staph infection from her PICC line and the hip pain she was feeling was due to the infection causing some arthritis in her Sacral joint. I mentally prepared myself to see Lori in agony. I was on the verge of tears the whole drive there. When I walked in, Lori was sitting up in her bed, watching Family Guy with Tim and letting out little chuckles here and there. I felt relieved that she was comfortable. I woke up in the middle of the night, when her nurses came in to get her vitals. Lori took one look at me from across the room and burst out into hysterical laughter. When I tried to talk to her she laughed even harder. A silent hysteria escaped from her mouth as she shooed me away. I went back to bed thinking…last nite she was screaming in pain, tonight she is screaming in laughter…thank God for good drugs!

The next day was filled with as much normalcy as possible. We ordered breakfast, drank coffee, popped in a movie. We laughed a lot..or I should say, we laughed as much as she could without complaining of how much it hurts for her to laugh. If it weren’t for the numerous doctors coming in and out of her room, the Echocardiogram, fetal monitoring or the big CHEMOTHERAPY sign posted in her doorway, I would dare say that it almost felt like a sleepover. The kind of sleepovers we would have when we visited each other in college. Before our careers… Before our husbands…before our babies. It became obvious that these were the kind of sleepovers we did not have enough of in our past life.

I witnessed her get stronger in the few days I was with her…and when it was time for me to go..I realized that I did not want to leave her. There was something strangely calming about being right next to Lori as she went through this journey of recovery. I can see and feel how hard she is fighting to stay strong and to get back on her feet. But I could also be there just to listen to her frustrations of how limited her life suddenly felt. So the visit ended in the same way it started…With me driving in my car on the verge of tears.

Lori came home from the hospital just in time to celebrate Mother's Day. The kids were ecstatic to have their Mommy back home where she belongs. I get daily updates from her and she sounds like she is back to her old self.

A Preview..

These are the pictures I have collected so far. There are still so many more to come. I am overwhelmed at the outpouring of support for my sister. But not really surprised...she is loved by many.

Less Than Perfect Week...

Dearest Hope,

Someone recently told me that as I write this journal I should not focus on making each entry perfect, but I should just write often so that I can capture all of the events that are happening with Lori. Well, this entry will be far from perfect. Because "perfect" are the images of Lori laughing and active with a hand full of shopping bags. "Perfect" is Lori taking orders online for her beautifully crafted Mother's necklaces. "Perfect" is seeing Lori with a spring in her step as she gets the kids ready for school in the morning. "Perfect" seems like it was a lifetime ago.

Lori was admitted into the hospital on Thursday because she had spiked a fever of 103 and had severe back pain. Doctors say that the fever is due to an infection that may have been caused by her chemo PICC line. Her back pain is probably from a pinched sciatic nerve caused by her pregnancy. The causes and the reasons do not really matter. What matters most is that she is in pain and uncomfortable and for those of us who love her, we feel pretty helpless.

I cannot even count on one hand how many times Lori has been sick in her lifetime. I don't remember her having the flu very often as we were growing up. She had pretty unremarkable pregnancies, no morning sickness, no nausea, no complaints. Feeling under the weather is unfamiliar territory to her. So I know she has no idea how to make sense of this discomfort. And I know it is hurting her that she cannot fully be there for her 3 children.

There is nothing to do but pray. And sometimes even that doesn't seem like enough. I have been told that I need to dig deep to find the strength to really be there for her...and trust me, I am shoveling away!!