Paradise Lost...and Found

Dearest Hope,

I spent this last week at Navarre Beach with my family. I had 5 solid days packed with nothing but watching my kids play in the sand and jump in the waves of the ocean. It was a getaway of a lifetime. I found out pretty quickly, that no matter how beautiful the scenery, or how warm the sun, there is no getting away from thinking of Lori. I found my thoughts constantly shifting to her. Maybe they were pangs of guilt that came from my declaration that I needed a vacation to get a way from MY stress. My stress consists of commuting to the city a few times a week, being hostage to my computer, being innovative about how I could sneak a peek at my Blackberry in mid conversation with my husband and trying to maintain as much of my motherly role as possible so that my children don’t grow up thinking their nanny was my replacement. These are real stresses I know, but it pales in comparison to Lori’s stress…cancer, chemo, the radiation that is ahead, the 3 children who beg for her attention, her constant fight to stay strong around the people she loves.

What was Lori’s getaway? Where was her vacation from her daily struggle? I realized that the life that grows inside of her, her baby girl…is her ultimate escape from her everyday worries. The sound in her voice when she describes how much the baby is kicking…Or the way she carefully plots out sleeping arrangements in their home when they become a family of 4…or how she invites people to come and help her prepare for the baby by organizing newborn clothing and preparing the swing and bassinet.

For a few minutes each day, whenever she thinks of her daughter to be, or is reminded by a swift kick in the ribs from the princess herself, Lori gets a short vacation from her cancer and treatment. She can fantasize about meeting her daughter… who she will look like…her personality…her smile. Lori can wonder if her newborn will come out with more hair than her or if they will look like twins, beautifully bald.
When I tell people about Lori’s diagnosis they are shocked and worried. When I mention that she is pregnant, they are floored and most people have no words to say. It does seem pretty awful I know. But this pregnancy is what prompted her to see a doctor as quickly as she did. And for that I am so grateful. This baby saved her life and continues to do so. It is her getaway indeed…her baby girl…an ocean of possibilities for the future.