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Nice to meet you...

How wonderful life is...now you're in the World.

Dearest Hope,

"She's Perfect"

After hearing that you had arrived, those were the words I heard next.

"She's Perfect"

It was enough to leave me speechless. I just sat in awe of the power of prayer and how truly good our God is.

I have been calling you Hope these past few months but your parents have chosen a beautiful name for you.

Olivia Lauren Fowler

Lori says that she will call you LIV, because well...you have LIVED through a whole lot to get here to us.

When I say your name, I will think of how much strength you brought to our family during a scary time. I will think of how you reminded us to appreciate every ounce of life and whatever obstacles are thrown at us. When I say your name I will remember to be brave, to have grace and to truly LIVE...just like Lori...just like you!

Peace Out PICC Line...

Dearest Hope,

A few weeks ago I visited Lori and helped her with Abigail's 7th birthday party. Lori was completely back to her old self. She had her strength back and was able to tackle the stairs, the laundry and the running around that went along with having 3 children. She talked about shopping, maternity photo shoots, signing the kids up for summer camp and buying formula for the baby that would be here in a month. She had this amazing energy and I was relieved but wondered where it stemmed from. On the car ride to the birthday party, I examined her carefully and noticed there was something different about her. When I finally put my finger on it, I couldn't help but shout out -"Lori, they took your PICC line out!" This horrific series of tubes and needles that nestled itself awkwardly on the crook of her arm, was nowhere to be found. The same PICC line that had been the source of her staph infection. The "Scarlet Letter" that told the world that she has cancer. It was no longer there! And when I looked at Lori, she looked lighter...she looked free. This meant that chemotherapy was over and the daily IV antibiotic that was added on to prevent further infections was also behind her. And it gave her so much freedom. Freedom to plan a 7th birthday party for her oldest daughter. Freedom to spend hours at Babies R Us preparing for the birth of her youngest daughter.

To Show You My Love

Dearest Hope,


When Lori was diagnosed with cancer, her mission was to heal and recover.
My mission was to find a way to tell her how much she is loved. How do you tell someone that when you have known them your whole life? And would words be enough?
This personal mission rapidly evolved into the Live LAF Love fundraiser. If actions do indeed speak louder than words, then this was a perfect way for Lori to realize how much she means to me and to so many others. After months of collecting donations and pictures, I finally created PART I of the Live LAF Love series.
I showed Lori the video over the weekend and I got to sit right next to her as she watched. As the images filled the screen, she personalized it with commentary

-“Did Allie take some of these pictures?”
-“Owen is so cute!”
-“Is that Melissa Kuehl?”
-“Who’s Boylan Pom jacket?”
-“Jeanne’s daughter looks just like her.”
-“Westley is getting so big”
-“She was an Alpha Gam!”
-“Kelly Powers has so many kids”
-“Brian Thiede is so tall”

And as the video went on she said less and cried more. I imagine that as new faces filled the screen it was like each one of them was embracing her and cheering her on. For seven minutes she sat and marinated in everyone’s love. And when it was all done she looked at me and whispered a quiet “Thank You”.

In response to her gratitude, I wanted to say is that there are more people out there thinking of her, wristband or no wristbands. I wanted to tell her that this was truly an effortless project because once I said “It’s for Lori” people gathered quickly to reach out to her. I wanted to tell her that people ask me how she is doing everyday. I wanted to tell her that I love being her sister. But I couldn’t seem to get past my own tears to get the words out and so I hugged her instead. And in that embrace she was my big sister once again as she comforted my tears and let me know everything is going to be okay.

Navarre Beach

Snapshots from our week away.

Paradise Lost...and Found

Dearest Hope,

I spent this last week at Navarre Beach with my family. I had 5 solid days packed with nothing but watching my kids play in the sand and jump in the waves of the ocean. It was a getaway of a lifetime. I found out pretty quickly, that no matter how beautiful the scenery, or how warm the sun, there is no getting away from thinking of Lori. I found my thoughts constantly shifting to her. Maybe they were pangs of guilt that came from my declaration that I needed a vacation to get a way from MY stress. My stress consists of commuting to the city a few times a week, being hostage to my computer, being innovative about how I could sneak a peek at my Blackberry in mid conversation with my husband and trying to maintain as much of my motherly role as possible so that my children don’t grow up thinking their nanny was my replacement. These are real stresses I know, but it pales in comparison to Lori’s stress…cancer, chemo, the radiation that is ahead, the 3 children who beg for her attention, her constant fight to stay strong around the people she loves.

What was Lori’s getaway? Where was her vacation from her daily struggle? I realized that the life that grows inside of her, her baby girl…is her ultimate escape from her everyday worries. The sound in her voice when she describes how much the baby is kicking…Or the way she carefully plots out sleeping arrangements in their home when they become a family of 4…or how she invites people to come and help her prepare for the baby by organizing newborn clothing and preparing the swing and bassinet.

For a few minutes each day, whenever she thinks of her daughter to be, or is reminded by a swift kick in the ribs from the princess herself, Lori gets a short vacation from her cancer and treatment. She can fantasize about meeting her daughter… who she will look like…her personality…her smile. Lori can wonder if her newborn will come out with more hair than her or if they will look like twins, beautifully bald.
When I tell people about Lori’s diagnosis they are shocked and worried. When I mention that she is pregnant, they are floored and most people have no words to say. It does seem pretty awful I know. But this pregnancy is what prompted her to see a doctor as quickly as she did. And for that I am so grateful. This baby saved her life and continues to do so. It is her getaway indeed…her baby girl…an ocean of possibilities for the future.

The Role of Florence Nightingale will be played by....

Dearest Hope,

I spent a few days last week with Lori while she was in the hospital. I heard from my parents who were with her when she was admitted that she was in excruciating pain and it was unbearable to watch. The doctors declared that she had a staph infection from her PICC line and the hip pain she was feeling was due to the infection causing some arthritis in her Sacral joint. I mentally prepared myself to see Lori in agony. I was on the verge of tears the whole drive there. When I walked in, Lori was sitting up in her bed, watching Family Guy with Tim and letting out little chuckles here and there. I felt relieved that she was comfortable. I woke up in the middle of the night, when her nurses came in to get her vitals. Lori took one look at me from across the room and burst out into hysterical laughter. When I tried to talk to her she laughed even harder. A silent hysteria escaped from her mouth as she shooed me away. I went back to bed thinking…last nite she was screaming in pain, tonight she is screaming in laughter…thank God for good drugs!

The next day was filled with as much normalcy as possible. We ordered breakfast, drank coffee, popped in a movie. We laughed a lot..or I should say, we laughed as much as she could without complaining of how much it hurts for her to laugh. If it weren’t for the numerous doctors coming in and out of her room, the Echocardiogram, fetal monitoring or the big CHEMOTHERAPY sign posted in her doorway, I would dare say that it almost felt like a sleepover. The kind of sleepovers we would have when we visited each other in college. Before our careers… Before our husbands…before our babies. It became obvious that these were the kind of sleepovers we did not have enough of in our past life.

I witnessed her get stronger in the few days I was with her…and when it was time for me to go..I realized that I did not want to leave her. There was something strangely calming about being right next to Lori as she went through this journey of recovery. I can see and feel how hard she is fighting to stay strong and to get back on her feet. But I could also be there just to listen to her frustrations of how limited her life suddenly felt. So the visit ended in the same way it started…With me driving in my car on the verge of tears.

Lori came home from the hospital just in time to celebrate Mother's Day. The kids were ecstatic to have their Mommy back home where she belongs. I get daily updates from her and she sounds like she is back to her old self.

A Preview..

These are the pictures I have collected so far. There are still so many more to come. I am overwhelmed at the outpouring of support for my sister. But not really surprised...she is loved by many.

Less Than Perfect Week...

Dearest Hope,

Someone recently told me that as I write this journal I should not focus on making each entry perfect, but I should just write often so that I can capture all of the events that are happening with Lori. Well, this entry will be far from perfect. Because "perfect" are the images of Lori laughing and active with a hand full of shopping bags. "Perfect" is Lori taking orders online for her beautifully crafted Mother's necklaces. "Perfect" is seeing Lori with a spring in her step as she gets the kids ready for school in the morning. "Perfect" seems like it was a lifetime ago.

Lori was admitted into the hospital on Thursday because she had spiked a fever of 103 and had severe back pain. Doctors say that the fever is due to an infection that may have been caused by her chemo PICC line. Her back pain is probably from a pinched sciatic nerve caused by her pregnancy. The causes and the reasons do not really matter. What matters most is that she is in pain and uncomfortable and for those of us who love her, we feel pretty helpless.

I cannot even count on one hand how many times Lori has been sick in her lifetime. I don't remember her having the flu very often as we were growing up. She had pretty unremarkable pregnancies, no morning sickness, no nausea, no complaints. Feeling under the weather is unfamiliar territory to her. So I know she has no idea how to make sense of this discomfort. And I know it is hurting her that she cannot fully be there for her 3 children.

There is nothing to do but pray. And sometimes even that doesn't seem like enough. I have been told that I need to dig deep to find the strength to really be there for her...and trust me, I am shoveling away!!

Lori and Lyra = Abby and Rayven

Dearest Hope,

Seven years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my first, I immediately called Lori to tell her the great news. Her response was ..."Me too". Our due dates were exactly one week apart. But since my girl came into the world 3 weeks early and hers came in 1 week late, Abby and Rayven ended up being exactly one month apart.

The two girls' personalities are so different yet they love being together. Sort of a cousins version of Yin and Yang. The more they grow and the more I watch them I realize that I am reliving mine and Lori's childhood all over again.

Abby- so much like Lori- artistic and precise, a collector of all things miniature (Littlest Pet Shops are her passion for the moment), already interested in make-up and insistent upon picking out her own clothes..confident of her fashion sense at the age of 6.

Rayven- so much like me- lover of things that are flashy like pettiskirts and high heels. Witty with her remarks and back talk that it is hard for me to keep a straight face as I discipline her. Always playing out dramatic scenes when she thinks no one is looking. Drawing and creating things to give to other people because "it will make them happy". A blossoming writer herself...as she documents her life in a daily journal.

Since Lori's diagnosis, our families have gathered together often and it gives the girls a great chance to discover each other, to love each other and to create wonderful memories of their childhood. I am hoping that years from now when they revisit these moments, they remember it not as the months when Lori was sick, but as times when they got to see a whole lot of each other and loved (almost) every minute of it.

Last Friday Lori received her third round of chemo along with an MRI report that states...THE RIGHT ANTERIOR MEDIASTINAL MASS HAS MARKEDLY DIMINISHED IN SIZE.
I cannot define all of those words...but I know what it means...and it is good news!

Retail Therapy

Mom's Advice- "Lori, now that you have had 2 rounds of chemo, your immune system may be weakened. You should really try to avoid the crowded places...like WOODFIELD MALL!"

Lori's solution- "I guess I have to just shop at the small boutiques!"

Dearest Hope,

On Good Friday, Lori and I met at Woodfield for some retail therapy. It had been almost 2 weeks since her hair loss and as she told me she was pretty OVER the wig. So I was not surprised when I met her there and she was sporting her Burberry scarf. What surprised me most was my reaction to it. I became strangely aware of other people looking at her and found myself very protective of Lori regarding what these gawkers were thinking when they looked at her. Each person's reaction was unique but had some similarities..they would look at her scarf and it would register that she is bald...which would then register that she is undergoing cancer treatment...then they would gaze down at her protruding belly and put 2 and 2 together and there was just enough time for me to catch a glimpse of their shock.

I am sure Lori knew and felt this unwanted attention but seemed pretty unaffected by it as she threw off her scarf in the middle of Nordstrom to try on a hat. Or as she mumbled to herself how hungry she was at Hanna Andersson and the sales lady came running at her offering a piece of candy. (she happily accepted because she was THAT hungry) Lori just went on with the day, the only care in her sight was where she was going to buy her next great deal.

So as the day went on I felt my feelings drastically shift. I went from thinking... "DON"T YOU DARE LOOK AT MY SISTER" to... "PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, LOOK AT THIS WOMAN!" For she is the finest example of grace and courage. Stare as long as you need to so that you can learn from her that whatever life throws at you, whatever challenges you encounter, you have a divine power to overcome it. Lucky for me, I got to "stare" at her all day long and I am a changed person because of it.

Live LAF Love

This is a fundraiser that I am starting. I hope you will join me in this great cause. It will be yet another amazing way we can show Lori that she is loved and prayed for everyday! LAF stands for Lori Ann Fowler and these bracelets symbolize her faith and courage as she continues her journey towards treatment and recovery.

Each bracelet is $2 and all proceeds will go to the Lymphoma Research Foundation. My ultimate vision is for those who have the bracelets to please e mail me a picture of you wearing it. Then I will put together a video for Lori so that she can see for herself how many people are thinking of her during this time. I am hoping this video will reach her at about the time of her final chemo treatment and as she great ready for the baby. Let me know if you have any questions. Thanks for loving my sister!

For those of you who live in the Rockford area, Elaine Bruckner will have bracelets sometime next week. Everyone else can e mail me and we can work out how I can get them to you.

Wigged Out...

Dearest Hope,

Ever since we found out chemo was part of Lori's treatment, she has openly discussed the inevitable hair loss that goes along with it. When I first came to visit after her first round of chemo, she had asked me to wash her hair because she could not get her chemo port wet. So there we were, just the two of us in the kid's bathroom. Me holding onto a detachable shower head making sure that the temperature was just right, as she was leaning her head over the bath tub warning me that she may be getting lightheaded after this ordeal. In this lifetime, I now know that I will never be the shampoo girl at Mario Tricoci. I am pretty sure I squirted shampoo in her eye and as I performed my lame attempt at a scalp massage, I could feel Lori squirm as if to tell me "let's just get this over with already!" When all was said and done, she was thankful for clean hair and for the fact that I did not give her third degree burns from my inability to maintain comfortable water temperature.
I looked at her and said, "Dude, how are you going to keep washing your hair like this for the next few months?"
Without missing a bit or batting an eyelash, Lori simply said..."In a couple weeks I won't have any hair".
Even one day post chemo, she had seemed to accept all the things that went along with this treatment.

Fast forward to 2 weeks later...

I spoke with Lori on the phone earlier this week and she was telling me about how she was losing hair here and there and leaving trails all over the house. Tuesday night she decided to take control of the situation, handed the trimmers to her husband and had her Britney Spears moment. I wasn't there and I didn't ask for too many details. But at the time she said that it was emotional, which I can only imagine.
The next day I skyped her so that I could see the results for myself. She answered the call with her perfectly styled wig and then gave me the big reveal. There she was bald and smiling, telling me how comfortable her Louis Vuitton scarf is and showing me how she can still wear her Tasha headbands on her wig. We also had a great discussion on what jewelry pieces she needed to complement this new look. That's Lori for you...determined to be fashionable and beautiful no matter what. And trust me...hair or no hair she really is a thing of beauty!

Where Did I Put My Maybelline Great Lash?

Dearest Hope,

After weeks of fearing the raccoon look halfway through the day, I have finally decided that it is indeed safe for me to start wearing mascara again. It was rough this past month. I would find that my crying fits would come out of nowhere and without warning. I could barely be in a room for more than 20 minutes without having a complete change of mood. In all honesty, I felt a little crazy. I wish I could say I had a “pretty” cry. You know, the "Demi Moore from Ghost cry" with the one perfect tear. The kind of cry that would garner sympathy from people in the same room who witnessed it. Nope…not me. I had the hysterical type of cry that made people so uncomfortable that they would find it easier to run away than to console me. And seriously..who could blame them! I have never felt sadness like that before…I have never felt fear like that either…I hope to NEVER feel it again.

Everyday that I talk to Lori, the fear subsides even more. Sure she seems pretty out of breath on the phone. She sounds like she is trying to run a marathon and in reality she is sitting on the couch with her feet up..doing exactly what the doctor ordered. Hearing her out of breath makes me cringe because it brings this vivid picture of the tumor sitting on her chest, weighing down and making her breathing more labored than it needs to be. But aside from that, she is strong. She is happy. Most importantly, she is loved and she can feel that love in the phone calls, the e mails, the flowers and the PRAYERS.

My brother bought his first house. It is a beautiful place that his wife and baby girl just absolutely love. My parents and I went there to see it and we were so excited for them. We talked, we ate, we laughed and for the first time in a long time we were not paralyzed by fear of what Lori is going through. Her courage and strength has inspired us to do what she does best…live..truly live.

U Rah Rah Boylan High School

Dear Hope,

I am so touched at how so many of Lori’s high school friends and some of my own have reached out to let us know they are praying for our family. Being in contact with all of these former Titans brings back a lot of great memories. Those were the times when the crisis of our lives revolved around your date to the Sadie Hawkins Dance or which shoes and socks you were going to wear to make your statement of individuality amongst the polyester uniforms. Those were the good old days. But at the time I could hardly recognize it as GOOD.

Here’s the deal, when you are the younger sister of a very smart, very beautiful and very talented student…there are big shoes to fill. Then you throw in the fact that I was only ONE year younger than Lori, so I was literally walking in her footsteps as I began and continued my high school career. I remember Mr. Davies handing me my D+ midterm in geometry and asking if I REALLY was Lori’s younger sister. I am thankful that some teachers did not notice that I “recycled” some of Lori’s final papers…(gotcha Mr. Bodner) and I regret the fact that some did! (Note to self, Mrs. Voights is a wiz at psychology AND has a photographic memory!) Anyway, no matter what anyone said to me, I could never be insecure about being Lori’s sister simply because she NEVER made me feel that I was less than her. She even downplayed some really amazing accomplishments that I would have happily showed off in her face it were me! Like, the time she was in The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade for poms. She came home as if nothing happened and I was the one who had to pull out every piece of detail from her so that I could make myself think that I was right there with her. That is just the kind of person she was back then. She never looked at life too seriously and took things as they came. I don’t remember her stressing out over anything or getting caught up in the drama of high school life. I guess somethings have not changed..because come to think of it, she is still that same person. One week post chemo and she has not let the drama of cancer take over her life. Sure she is doing some extra things to take care of herself, plenty of rest and taking advantage of those who come and visit and help out. (trust me..she is not gonna say no if you offer to do a load of laundry). But Lori continues to be the calm, serene person while I call her everyday and grill her for every bit of information so that I can feel like I really am going through this with her. I can tell immediately when she answers the phone whether or not she is having a good day. I hold my breath when the phone rings and I sigh in relief when I hear her say “Hi” in her sing songy voice. Today when I called her she told me all about her pedicure and how excited she was that the shoes she ordered online had finally arrived. Pampering herself and online shopping...same old Lori. She may have cancer...but cancer DOES NOT have her.

"Hubeee Bubeee Oh"

Dear Hope,

I spent Sunday night and all day Monday in Milwaukee. No one knew what day 3 post chemo was going to be like for Lori so just in case she needed someone to be there, I was "on call". I woke up early on Monday morning to 3 adorable children that needed breakfast and then got ready for school. The kitchen rang with a chaotic chant from 2 year old Thomas..."hubee bubee oh". He said this over and over again and I had no idea that he was trying to communicate a complete thought...I thought he was making stuff up. Finally Josh was gracious enough to translate for his little brother... "Aunt Lyra, he wants Honey Bunches of Oats". Apparently, little "T" is a cereal snob. Who knew? It made me realize that this was really the first time that I had spent a significant amount of time with Thomas. Having my 3 kids, even when we had family gatherings, it always seemed we were taking care of our own children and not getting a chance to know our nieces and nephews. So Monday was a great day to hang out and get to know Mr. Thomas, while his Mommy slept and while his siblings were in school.

Here are the things I learned:

1. Thomas has a girlfriend...her name is Dora the Explorer and if he had his way, they would be together ALL the time!

2. Thomas eats like a cow...meaning that he does not really sit down for a meal. He grazes all day long so I had to make sure that there was always food on the table.

3. Thomas asks for help only to slap your hand away when you get close enough to actually help him. 

4. Thomas is deathly afraid of the bubbles that form after you pour milk from a cup and will wait as long as he needs to before he takes a drink.

5. Thomas finds the humor in EVERYTHING, which leads to hearing his adorable laughter all day long.

Lori is still going strong. She gets tired pretty quickly and has been good at forcing herself to rest.  She is also good at conning her little sister into back rubs and foot rubs. She is milking it...and it works! What can I say..I just love her. 

A Really Great Thing Happened Today...

Dear Hope,

A really great thing happened today. The grocery store I was shopping at had a sushi chef that is now offering sushi made with BROWN rice! I could hardly believe my luck. So of course I ordered and I waited and I gobbled it up at home and it was THE best sushi ever. I know it may be silly to get all crazy over a little thing like brown rice sushi. In the big scheme of things it is pretty insignificant. But let's face it, if we look at the big picture it doesn't leave me much to smile about.

The big picture is that Lori spent 6 hours in her first round of chemo. The big picture is that she is bracing herself to be sick as a dog and she happily teased me that it will probably occur during MY watch on Sunday and Monday when its my turn to visit her. The big picture is she has cancer. And God do I hate that!

But it's good to know that within that big picture there are still reasons to smile and be grateful. Her tests show that the cancer is in an early stage. She is getting a lot of great support and help. And only one day post chemo, she was up and running and shopping the sales at a baby boutique. Lori knows what the big picture is, yet she deliberately chooses to see the good in life and take advantage of every opportunity for happiness.

Today her opportunity for happiness came when she bought an outfit for the baby girl inside her belly. She told me that it was for next fall and was overjoyed at the clearance price sticker that was attached to the outfit. There was no talk of cancer or treatment or fatigue...just excitement in her voice as she imagined how cute her baby girl was going to look in this outfit in the fall.

What a happy moment for her. I know that my brown rice sushi pales in comparison. But  I am convinced that it is those little things that make everything else just a little more bearable. It makes us more aware of all the blessings we have in life. It is the little things that make us a better daughter, a better sister or a better mother. And I know Lori can't wait to be a great mother to her little girl!

One thing after another...

Dear Hope,

When the family first found out about Lori's tumor before we could allow the fear to set in, I think we were all praying the "it's probably nothing" prayer. But as each appointment was made and discoveries were revealed that "nothing" became a distant dream. The cancer is very real and is growing inside Lori. It is making her short of breath, and tired and scared. I always knew I was her younger sister, but it has been a long time since I felt like her LITTLE sister. Right now, I feel just that..little and helpless.

This week was filled with recovering from her bigger biopsy, PET scans, bone marrow procedures and staging her cancer. This week will end in her first round of chemo and a weekend of anticipation as to how she will handle it. 

On Monday she spent a day with Tim shopping for a wig. Strangely romantic in my eyes. I feel like it may be his way of saying "we will get through this and I think you are beautiful no matter what".

It will be my turn to visit on Sunday and be there on Monday to chauffeur the kids to school and back. I have been practicing the fine art of swallowing  the lump in my throat and pushing it way down to the pit of my stomach so that I can be brave...brave like her. But sometimes it is just  easier to make a b line to the bathroom and keep Visine in my pocket.

It all starts with Hope...

On March 2009, my older sister, pregnant with her fourth child, was diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma. What started out as an ordinary day of shopping and jewelry making, ended in an evening of shortness of breath and an emergency trip to the hospital sparked because she feared for the safety of her unborn child. The day after the official diagnosis my sister and her husband went in for a routine ultrasound and found out that they were having a baby girl. In my head I have named this baby girl HOPE...and as my sister starts on this journey to treatment and recovery, I am starting this blog for the niece I have yet to meet so that she will know all the details of how she saved her mother's life.