Where Did I Put My Maybelline Great Lash?

Dearest Hope,

After weeks of fearing the raccoon look halfway through the day, I have finally decided that it is indeed safe for me to start wearing mascara again. It was rough this past month. I would find that my crying fits would come out of nowhere and without warning. I could barely be in a room for more than 20 minutes without having a complete change of mood. In all honesty, I felt a little crazy. I wish I could say I had a “pretty” cry. You know, the "Demi Moore from Ghost cry" with the one perfect tear. The kind of cry that would garner sympathy from people in the same room who witnessed it. Nope…not me. I had the hysterical type of cry that made people so uncomfortable that they would find it easier to run away than to console me. And seriously..who could blame them! I have never felt sadness like that before…I have never felt fear like that either…I hope to NEVER feel it again.

Everyday that I talk to Lori, the fear subsides even more. Sure she seems pretty out of breath on the phone. She sounds like she is trying to run a marathon and in reality she is sitting on the couch with her feet up..doing exactly what the doctor ordered. Hearing her out of breath makes me cringe because it brings this vivid picture of the tumor sitting on her chest, weighing down and making her breathing more labored than it needs to be. But aside from that, she is strong. She is happy. Most importantly, she is loved and she can feel that love in the phone calls, the e mails, the flowers and the PRAYERS.

My brother bought his first house. It is a beautiful place that his wife and baby girl just absolutely love. My parents and I went there to see it and we were so excited for them. We talked, we ate, we laughed and for the first time in a long time we were not paralyzed by fear of what Lori is going through. Her courage and strength has inspired us to do what she does best…live..truly live.

U Rah Rah Boylan High School

Dear Hope,

I am so touched at how so many of Lori’s high school friends and some of my own have reached out to let us know they are praying for our family. Being in contact with all of these former Titans brings back a lot of great memories. Those were the times when the crisis of our lives revolved around your date to the Sadie Hawkins Dance or which shoes and socks you were going to wear to make your statement of individuality amongst the polyester uniforms. Those were the good old days. But at the time I could hardly recognize it as GOOD.

Here’s the deal, when you are the younger sister of a very smart, very beautiful and very talented student…there are big shoes to fill. Then you throw in the fact that I was only ONE year younger than Lori, so I was literally walking in her footsteps as I began and continued my high school career. I remember Mr. Davies handing me my D+ midterm in geometry and asking if I REALLY was Lori’s younger sister. I am thankful that some teachers did not notice that I “recycled” some of Lori’s final papers…(gotcha Mr. Bodner) and I regret the fact that some did! (Note to self, Mrs. Voights is a wiz at psychology AND has a photographic memory!) Anyway, no matter what anyone said to me, I could never be insecure about being Lori’s sister simply because she NEVER made me feel that I was less than her. She even downplayed some really amazing accomplishments that I would have happily showed off in her face it were me! Like, the time she was in The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade for poms. She came home as if nothing happened and I was the one who had to pull out every piece of detail from her so that I could make myself think that I was right there with her. That is just the kind of person she was back then. She never looked at life too seriously and took things as they came. I don’t remember her stressing out over anything or getting caught up in the drama of high school life. I guess somethings have not changed..because come to think of it, she is still that same person. One week post chemo and she has not let the drama of cancer take over her life. Sure she is doing some extra things to take care of herself, plenty of rest and taking advantage of those who come and visit and help out. (trust me..she is not gonna say no if you offer to do a load of laundry). But Lori continues to be the calm, serene person while I call her everyday and grill her for every bit of information so that I can feel like I really am going through this with her. I can tell immediately when she answers the phone whether or not she is having a good day. I hold my breath when the phone rings and I sigh in relief when I hear her say “Hi” in her sing songy voice. Today when I called her she told me all about her pedicure and how excited she was that the shoes she ordered online had finally arrived. Pampering herself and online shopping...same old Lori. She may have cancer...but cancer DOES NOT have her.

"Hubeee Bubeee Oh"

Dear Hope,

I spent Sunday night and all day Monday in Milwaukee. No one knew what day 3 post chemo was going to be like for Lori so just in case she needed someone to be there, I was "on call". I woke up early on Monday morning to 3 adorable children that needed breakfast and then got ready for school. The kitchen rang with a chaotic chant from 2 year old Thomas..."hubee bubee oh". He said this over and over again and I had no idea that he was trying to communicate a complete thought...I thought he was making stuff up. Finally Josh was gracious enough to translate for his little brother... "Aunt Lyra, he wants Honey Bunches of Oats". Apparently, little "T" is a cereal snob. Who knew? It made me realize that this was really the first time that I had spent a significant amount of time with Thomas. Having my 3 kids, even when we had family gatherings, it always seemed we were taking care of our own children and not getting a chance to know our nieces and nephews. So Monday was a great day to hang out and get to know Mr. Thomas, while his Mommy slept and while his siblings were in school.

Here are the things I learned:

1. Thomas has a girlfriend...her name is Dora the Explorer and if he had his way, they would be together ALL the time!

2. Thomas eats like a cow...meaning that he does not really sit down for a meal. He grazes all day long so I had to make sure that there was always food on the table.

3. Thomas asks for help only to slap your hand away when you get close enough to actually help him. 

4. Thomas is deathly afraid of the bubbles that form after you pour milk from a cup and will wait as long as he needs to before he takes a drink.

5. Thomas finds the humor in EVERYTHING, which leads to hearing his adorable laughter all day long.

Lori is still going strong. She gets tired pretty quickly and has been good at forcing herself to rest.  She is also good at conning her little sister into back rubs and foot rubs. She is milking it...and it works! What can I say..I just love her. 

A Really Great Thing Happened Today...

Dear Hope,

A really great thing happened today. The grocery store I was shopping at had a sushi chef that is now offering sushi made with BROWN rice! I could hardly believe my luck. So of course I ordered and I waited and I gobbled it up at home and it was THE best sushi ever. I know it may be silly to get all crazy over a little thing like brown rice sushi. In the big scheme of things it is pretty insignificant. But let's face it, if we look at the big picture it doesn't leave me much to smile about.

The big picture is that Lori spent 6 hours in her first round of chemo. The big picture is that she is bracing herself to be sick as a dog and she happily teased me that it will probably occur during MY watch on Sunday and Monday when its my turn to visit her. The big picture is she has cancer. And God do I hate that!

But it's good to know that within that big picture there are still reasons to smile and be grateful. Her tests show that the cancer is in an early stage. She is getting a lot of great support and help. And only one day post chemo, she was up and running and shopping the sales at a baby boutique. Lori knows what the big picture is, yet she deliberately chooses to see the good in life and take advantage of every opportunity for happiness.

Today her opportunity for happiness came when she bought an outfit for the baby girl inside her belly. She told me that it was for next fall and was overjoyed at the clearance price sticker that was attached to the outfit. There was no talk of cancer or treatment or fatigue...just excitement in her voice as she imagined how cute her baby girl was going to look in this outfit in the fall.

What a happy moment for her. I know that my brown rice sushi pales in comparison. But  I am convinced that it is those little things that make everything else just a little more bearable. It makes us more aware of all the blessings we have in life. It is the little things that make us a better daughter, a better sister or a better mother. And I know Lori can't wait to be a great mother to her little girl!

One thing after another...

Dear Hope,

When the family first found out about Lori's tumor before we could allow the fear to set in, I think we were all praying the "it's probably nothing" prayer. But as each appointment was made and discoveries were revealed that "nothing" became a distant dream. The cancer is very real and is growing inside Lori. It is making her short of breath, and tired and scared. I always knew I was her younger sister, but it has been a long time since I felt like her LITTLE sister. Right now, I feel just that..little and helpless.

This week was filled with recovering from her bigger biopsy, PET scans, bone marrow procedures and staging her cancer. This week will end in her first round of chemo and a weekend of anticipation as to how she will handle it. 

On Monday she spent a day with Tim shopping for a wig. Strangely romantic in my eyes. I feel like it may be his way of saying "we will get through this and I think you are beautiful no matter what".

It will be my turn to visit on Sunday and be there on Monday to chauffeur the kids to school and back. I have been practicing the fine art of swallowing  the lump in my throat and pushing it way down to the pit of my stomach so that I can be brave...brave like her. But sometimes it is just  easier to make a b line to the bathroom and keep Visine in my pocket.

It all starts with Hope...

On March 2009, my older sister, pregnant with her fourth child, was diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma. What started out as an ordinary day of shopping and jewelry making, ended in an evening of shortness of breath and an emergency trip to the hospital sparked because she feared for the safety of her unborn child. The day after the official diagnosis my sister and her husband went in for a routine ultrasound and found out that they were having a baby girl. In my head I have named this baby girl HOPE...and as my sister starts on this journey to treatment and recovery, I am starting this blog for the niece I have yet to meet so that she will know all the details of how she saved her mother's life.